I never thought I was all that "good" when I was doing theatre. Back in my acting/directing/producing days, I was more concerned with doing the best I could at that moment, with the people and resources I had at hand.
I always felt that I could do whatever needed doing - - and I had the confidence that it was adequate. "Good" can be left for others to define. But it was art, and it was my best effort in that time. And it was my effort.
I created, I presented, I nurtured, I did whatever I could to make that art come to life. And while some may question the quality of what I produced, no one could deny that my grubby fingerprints were on every aspect the final product.
I miss that. I never thought that I was ever going to be rich or famous or anything, but when I was a working artist, I felt like a different person than I do know.
I've been accused -- by people who know me really well -- of acting and performing because I am an attention junkie. That I want everyone to look at me, that I want Center Stage. I suppose that's true, up to a point.
What I miss most is feeling that confidence, I miss being The Guy Who Gets It Done. On my best days I felt like I was the Orson Wells of central Minnesota theatre -- or at least the Ed Wood of it.
Acting, directing, producing, forming a team and making sure that everyone was free to make the most artistic choices possible were part and parcel of the game -- but so was selling ads, soliciting donations, pounding the pavement in search of props, working with playwrights who had no idea of how to write a play that could actually be produced, writing grants, and taking care of every detail.
That behind-the-scenes stuff was as important, as satisfying, as the stagecraft for me. And few people even knew I was doing all of it; if we needed something, I got it -- by hook or by crook.
It's fair to say that there is nowhere else in life where I am as competent as I am in the theatre. In fact, I could go so far as to say that I am incompetent almost everywhere but the theatre. In no other arena am I The Guy Who Gets It Done.
When I hear some people talk about acting, or playing an instrument, or doing sports or whatever it is that they do, I hear them say stuff like "It makes me feel alive". Feh. At best, that description is inadequate.
Here's what it feels like:
Every nerve is raw, every thought is imperative, every word carries salvation or doom. When it works you're flying and when it doesnt you're dying. (And sometimes, you're doing both at once!) Even failures are glorious because you're there. It's windburn and the salty smack of sea spray; it's chocolate and sour vinegar all in one bite. Glory and heartbreak in one breath.
And sometimes, it's a pitcher of stale beer at a tavern a block from the theatre where you hash out all that day's frustrations with people you toil with.
And when you're lucky . . . really lucky . . . it's perfect. For a moment, like in jazz when you're not playing any note but the silence between the notes. Like one of those rare kisses where everything lines up just so and the kiss you imagine is the exact kiss you get. Of course it's over before it even really starts, but it's perfect.
Only the theatre has given me that. Some of my jobs have given me a little satisfaction, some have given me security; none have been places where I felt that moment where it's just right.
Mostly, being a working artist is about paying the bills and getting it done, with flashes of exultation.
And that's what I miss.
Posted by michaelsawin
at 12:04 PM CDT
Updated: Wednesday, 26 July 2006 12:06 PM CDT
